In the spirit of constructive communication and civility, I found this video has some very interesting pointers about how to tell when a discussion is going south…
To sum up: If you want to someone to hear what you are saying, it is importannt to recognise these warning signs that they are shutting down emotionally:
#1: Being stunned by new information.
#2: Inaccurately summarizing the other’s perspective.
#3: Misreading nefarious intent.
#4: Regularly moving goalposts.
#5: Yelling or getting angry.
#6: Attacking someone’s character.
#7: Retreating Without Concession
Nothing new here, but many people are not taught how to recognise discomfort in others. And since our culture is becomming more diverse, people are retreating to silence instead of engaging because discussions quickly break down.
Winning The Argument Or Saving the Friendship
Unfortunately, the “solution” offered towards the end of video is helpful if one needs to pursuade one’s oppenent to accept your point, but is not always successful. This is especially true when dealing with deep cultural differences. Conflicts on fundamental values or those which involve group cohesion are not going to be won over by reason alone. For example, you are not going to convince someone to leave their religion just because you have an argument that sounds reasonable. You may be putting the person in a position which will cut this person off from family and/or community ties. Some issues and worldviews run deeper than logic.
Still, the information in this video could save some friendships from completely unraveling. If your oppenent begins to show these signs, it might be time to drop it and get a beer. As this is getting harder and harder to do these days, this might be more valuable than winning the debate.
It doesn’t look like a dangerous amount of snow – especially to someone who grew up in New York like me – but this is Texas. Even if one knows how to drive in snow, one knows it’s not worth the risk to drive on the same roads with those who don’t. The Dallas,Texas pileup video below tragically illustrates the danger of traveling in Texas during winter storms. It involved about 100 vehicles, five people died and over 60 were sent to hospitals. It’s amazing to me that the death toll wasn’t higher.
February delivered two blows to our family in Texas. At the beginning of the month word came that my husband’s brother was dying from cancer – he himself had only learned of the diagnosis for less than a week. Less than 24 hours later he passed away. Years ago a friend, who has also passed on, said to me that it seems to us some people just aren’t supposed to die and that’s why it’s so much harder when they die. My brother-in-law was one of those people. It’s only been a little more than a month since he’s been gone, but we are still in shock over it. His strength and good heart will never be forgotten by those who knew him.
It took me years of feeling overwhelmed in January and feeling like I was failing miserably in the New Year before I realized what I was doing it all wrong.
We celebrate the new year on January 1st and we rush into the month with resolutions and fuzzy plans for the new year. But after spending most of the month of December preparing for and celebrating the holidays, does it truly make sense that, like switching on and off a light, we try to face an entire new year in a space of 24 hours?
I have enjoyed many New Year celebrations and, over the years, I have tried all sorts of ways to deal with the emotional roller coaster that follows during the first month of the year. What I have found is that it is better to think of this time as a season of sweeping out the previous year, rather than the beginning of a new one. Now, of course, you have things to do in January that are part of the new year and that you can’t avoid. You still have to put the correct year on your checks and, if you work for pay, your job is in its first quarter of the New Year. But, psychologically – especially for your personal life – it is best to think of this time as a season of reflection and preparation.
“People let me tell you I work hard every day I get up out of bed, I put on my clothes ‘Cause I’ve got bills to pay Now it ain’t easy, but I don’t need no help I’ve got a strong will to survive I’ve got a deeper love, deeper love inside.”
We are now deep in the winter doldrums, when some mornings it is tough to just get out of bed in the morning, let alone get to work. Even without the political turmoil of our times and uncertainty of our future, it is a difficult time of year to find motivation to get moving.
I noticed that there was little talk of New Year’s resolutions and I think that is because we would all just like things to go back to “normal.” I am not sure that we can go back, but I do know we can move forward. It will, however, take more courage and perseverance than “normal.”
The next few posts I am working on will drop some of the “heavy” science and philosophy stuff I have been talking about lately and focus more on practical and mental health issues that we face at the beginning of a new year. I, myself, have lived through times that only a strong desire to overcome my situation was the only thing that got me up in it the morning. I would not stop fighting for a life of my own.
Your life is worth fighting for – now – this moment, this day. Don’t let these difficult times let you forget that.
When I first left the workforce to be home with my children over thirty years ago, it was because I believed that our culture was missing something. Maybe it was something I found in my reading or from another kind of awareness of life around me, but it seemed to me that the everyday mundane things we do for each other are more important than financial wealth. Our family took a huge hit financially, but I have never regretted it. What we gained in family cohesion and mental health was worth it. I understand that what I did is difficult to achieve today, but I believe it is still possible to improve our daily lives in little ways.
I came across this book this morning and ordered it. It looks interesting because it seems to share that same view from a different perspective. And well – since life is an art, not a science – we can always use pointers. The French don’t really live this way anymore – just like the rest of us, but that should not deter us from trying. And also, I bought if for the recipes and for some encouragement to drop snacking – a very bad American habit I am guilty of. One can never have too many good recipes in life.
Below the book link, I have included a realistic review that I found in the Amazon reviews which is worth reading. Enjoy!
Arbor’s book is an evocation of a way of life that only a few French people today achieve (especially in Paris, which is now about 65% wealthy executives and a lesser assortment of truly poor people). But social reality is not the point of the book. Arbor does really capture what many French people imagine their lives to be, despite the messy reality that includes: infuriating customer service and poor availability of products and services (even French people often get angry, when they are not stuffing it inside), open social conflicts and overt racism that many “apolitical” Americans would find exhausting or shocking, and extreme cultivation of privacy and disregard for others in public. Actual French people are as varied as we are–and the stories they tell to themselves (and Arbor translates one important one here for us) are interesting to hear and we can learn from them–both as a clue to French ideals of the pleasure-filled, simple life and as a restorative from our own excesses.
It is, I believe, true that many French executives have a much more relaxed life than the American bourgeoisie, although many are also nervous, stressed and unpleasant. There are wonderful food choices (if you can afford them, something increasingly difficult for working French people). “Low-fat” IS under 20% for many foods. I actually found many French people to be too skinny and to look unhealthy and washed out–and of course some are fat but not normally as obese as we are used to seeing here. More importantly, the ideal that Arbor describes circulates widely in France and accounts for some of the different choices in life that the French make and the different emphasis that many place on their experiences.
I read Arbor’s book before living in Paris for six months and, indeed, my consumption of his evocations and internalization of his values caused a few French people to remark on how well socialized I was (until they knew me and my heathen ways, of course). I realized that France is as far from Paradise as here, but in a slightly different direction. The ideals that Arbor sets out here in a lovely, idealized style have something to do with this: Arbor’s “France” and his suggestions are healthy and even wholesome–why shouldn’t we all live a ‘beautiful’ and slower-paced life? Why not incorporate a sense of beauty and the love of pleasure as a fundamental? And, as Arbor suggests, this has more to do with emphasis and choices already available than with running to France to smell the lavender (although that would be nice!). A “really good fried egg” tastes as good in Kentucky as it does in Paris. One should also remember that not all aspects of American life are worthless–our cultural struggles for convenience and accessibility has led to much better services and access for handicapped people than will ever be possible in Paris. If you are wheel-chair bound, or have a hard-time walking (or anything), you can pretty much write France off the map; French handicapped people look to the US as a Mecca for such services as we make available here.
While “plaisir” is overused in France as a marketing theme for everything from cheap sandwiches to toilet tissue in the same way that images of home and reconstructed families are overused in the US, “plaisir” and “joie de vivre” points to something that many Americans could really learn from–the cultivation of pleasure, individual and shared, as an everyday ethic, if not always an easy reality. One could go further as an American and notice the areas of our lives that ARE similar and full of pleasure–such as the Thanksgiving meal, which is an important ritual of pleasure, togetherness, sharing and abundance, and extend those values into everyday life. In Joie de Vivre, Arbor highlights the contrasts between a life focused on pleasure (not indulgence) and the sour Puritan, production and “necessity”-driven life we overvalue here. As Voltaire suggested, “let us cultivate our garden,” a garden that is always in front of us. In “Joie de Vivre,” Arbor translates that ethic for his American readers, who are so obviously looking for a moment of respite. If you are looking for a reminder to cultivate the good things in life, this book is a charming choice for a relaxing read.